Divorced

Well … that’s it. I am single a single man.

Its run its course. I’m not feeling particularly emotional or torn up today, but I am feeling very pensive.

I didn’t want this, but it’s the best thing going forward. The last three years we have changed into two entirely different people. Polar opposites.  We’re straight-up incompatible. For those reasons I’m grateful for divorce.

We were best friends. We were compatible. We could have made it work. We had similar goals, likes, and aspirations.  For these reasons I hate divorce.

About a year ago I wrote a list of things I wanted to remember, I think and communicate much more clearly in writing than I do in other ways. I wanted to learn what I needed to from this life experience the first time around. I’d do just about anything to not go through it again.

This post will be based largely on that list, and a handful of other thoughts on my mind. Things I wish I knew before now.  I’m sure some may disagree with some of my thoughts. Take it for what it is; one man’s opinion based on his (overwhelming) failures, successes, studies, and prayers. I’m no expert.

This is written by the respondent in the divorce.  An imperfect husband whose wife decided she was done when I wasn’t. The one walked away from; not the one walking away. I got married young to someone who also didn’t know how to communicate, cope, compromise, or work together. I knew we weren’t perfect but out communication was so far off that I didn’t know things were that bad for her before the night she told me she hated me and wanted out. I missed so many red flags, so many warning signs over the years. I kept secrets; I was a terrible husband at times. I tell you this to give a little perspective into my writings, not to play victim.

Whether you’re single, engaged, married, separated, or divorced; I’m hoping someone can maybe learn something from my experiences that I didn’t learn soon enough

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Here are my thoughts.

1.          There is an unprecedented attack on the family unit. I’ve personally watched the degradation of the family unit in society lead directly to many social problems that are prevalent in our day and age. I do not wish to downplay the necessity of divorce in some situations, but rather advise against the quickness in which it is often resorted to. It is nigh impossible to find friends that encourage you to deal with pain and heartache in an effort to preserve your marriage. Being in a rocky marriage is hard, but it can be temporary. Being on the rocks doesn’t mean it’s over. One of the biggest sources of peace in my life is laying my head down at night knowing I did absolutely positively everything I could to try and make things work. Those friends you find who can encourage and support you in your (righteous) patience and fortitude are worth a hundred of the friends who say “You deserve better.”
2.     The “deserve better” attitude is a trap. A downward spiral. People want you to see what they see in you when they say it, and that is great. What no one else knows, however, is what our creator knows. As evidenced by the world around us, He is a master craftsman. He knows the refinement process better than we could ever understand. We may well make choices that led us to where we are, but He always has a way out. He has a plan b on standby as soon as we are ready to take it. Even when we willingly walk into the furnace of affliction, he can turn that furnace it into a crucible, burning away our impurities. Anything you, or your friends and family, think you deserve cannot hold a candle to what our creator has in store for us.
3.     Pride can destroy a relationship quicker than just about anything. Do not let yourself get in a cycle of self-pitying. See #2. Without tasting the bitter, we couldn’t comprehend or appreciate the sweet. I’m not saying it’s bad to be angry, upset, frustrated, and lonely, but dwelling on those feelings is a self perpetuating cycle. You’ve got to find hope. Cry, yell, read, build something,  run, do what you need to do; but when the morning comes(and I promise the morning WILL come) concentrate on the future. Set goals that will help you reach the destination you long to reach. Specifically goals that don’t rely on the actions or choices of others. You have got to work on you.
4.     When trauma hits a relationship, each party has to work on themselves before the relationship can be worked on. More damage can be done by trying to fix the couple too soon. Just like any other machine, each component has to be in a reasonably healthy and functional state before the separate components can effectively operate together. Space and time can be good. Note that I didn’t say it IS good. I said it CAN be good. It all revolves around what you do with that space and time.
5.     There is not a reason for everything. You can find reason in anything though. You got where you are at because of a combination of your choices and your partners choices. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that your marriage failing was all “part of the plan.” Accept responsibility and analyze the situation for the lessons you can learn. Watch for Gods tender mercies in your life and the hardest situations like separation and divorce can indeed yield the greatest harvests of personal growth. Take advantage of those learning opportunities, they don’t come cheap.
6.        You need good friends. Friends you can call in the middle of the night, but friends who don’t just want to sit around and trash talk your ex. Wholesome recreational activities and good conversation are a medicine that you need in this time of loneliness and pain. Friends that will ask you what the heck you’re doing when you start to make bad choices or get stuck in self pity are the best kind you can find.
7.     Remind yourself why you love your spouse and why you want to keep trying. Sometimes it’s hard. You need to keep these things on your mind in order to not lose motivation in your efforts. Don’t forget the potential you once saw. Even if it’s over, those qualities you once saw are something to be remembered.
8.     Concerning hypocrisies, lies, negative actions/reactions of your spouse. Don't be afraid to show your pain and displeasure at their actions or choice, but don't lecture, preach, or come down on them. Experts agree that low-stress positive interactions are the best way to form a high trust relationship. I’m not saying there isn’t a line, only you know what and how much you can take (although I promise you will be surprised what you can handle if you turn your struggles over to the lord.) Be patient and loving, in deed and in thought.
9.     I think the key (if there is one, we have to remember that God would never “soften a heart and MAKE someone come home or be faithful” no matter the sincerity of our prayers and genuine intentions, he will never remove anyone’s agency) to rediscovering love and changing the heart of someone who no longer loves you is patience, service, and charity.
10.     You need peace. You need rest. Do your best to make your home that place. I slept on the couch for over a year after Clarissa left. Time and change is necessary. Now my room doesn’t feel like our room. There isn’t a single piece of furniture remaining from our time together. The kitchen isn’t organized the same. These seemingly silly changes helped me feel like my home was a place of rest and not a prison of memories. By far the biggest thing I found to help, was striving to make my home a place the spirit could reside. Turn down the noise. Clean up the clutter. Do the basics, the Sunday school answers.
11.     “Be still my soul, the lord is on thy side. With patience bear, thy cross of grief or pain. Leave to thy God to order and provide” – I couldn’t begin to count the number of times I sang this to myself, it was so powerful in bringing calm to my mind. Even when I reached times that I was physically shaking from anxiety, it had profound effects. Find a source of peace to have on standbye. It’s a tumultuous time, and if you’re anything like me, you won’t be perfect at controlling your emotions when huge things come up. You need to find something that no matter where you are, no matter what or who it is; you have the ability to bring yourself back down. When used in conjunction with daily scripture study, it positively modified my roller coaster of a mind set on a daily basis. It made my life more consistent both emotionally and physically.
12.      Logic and reason are incredible tools, but you can’t always expect them to lead you to the right answer. If it’s totally inconsistent and unpredictable behavior or reactions that you’re dealing with; mental disorders may be a piece of the puzzle. Seek out professional insight even if the other person wont. A licensed professional met with Clarissa and I for several months analyzing our strengths, weaknesses, and abilities as parents. In her conclusion, was an analysis of our personalities and quirks, which pointed out hidden toxicity in our relationship that was self perpetuating.  If we had this valuable information, and used it, two years earlier it could have been invaluable in modifying the dynamics of our relationship and learning to effectively communicate.

The most important thing I learned from my experiences the last few years is this.

The Atonement is real.

 Its healing powers, its enabling powers, and its protective powers are all as real as anything else in our existence. I bear testimony that If/or/when we truly turn over our troubled hearts to the lord, he accepts them entirely and can turn even the darkest and worst of situations to spiritually transformative and positive experiences. I went through several cycles letting it all pile up time and time again until I felt that I was at the breaking point. I would then turn it over to the lord and experience profound peace and/or moments of rest and rejuvenation. I am striving to maintain that change of heart going forward, and hopefully I’ll do a little better each day, month and year. Being compelled into humility sucks. Bad. If I can learn to strive moment to moment to maintain a humble heart, I think that is the key to moving forward from here.

I have full faith that I will experience the greatest joys that life has to offer.

I promise that it really does get easier in time.

I promise that if you both allow the Atonement into your lives, hearts, home(s), and relationship that marriages can be healed.

I would like to extend a personal thank you to my incredible support system. I call you late at night, we go for long directionless drives, we get burgers, and you give me priesthood blessings. You make me laugh, you cry with me, you acknowledge my battles and recognize victories. You don’t push me into decisions, but your counsel is often an answer to prayers. Even if we only talked, text, facebooked, or communicated once or twice the past few years, you probably made a difference in my life. I can’t put into words the profound impact some of the smallest of your actions have had.

Now get off the computer and go serve your family.

With love,

        Zach Sawyer